Is Loneliness an Essential Aspect of Being Human?

Was existentialist philosopher Sartre right?

As we journey through life trying to find meaning for ourselves and find our purpose for being we are reminded of the vastness and expansiveness of our seemingly impersonal world.  We are but mere specks in an infinite swirling indifferent cosmos.  The divergence of those two opposing ideas places us in a near perfect existential crisis.  How could it not – I mean we “define” or make meaning by looking at a particular object in its relation to another or in conjunction with another.  So then how do you define oneself in relation to vastness or “nothingness?”  Trying to fathom the answers to this age old existential conundrum makes my head hurt and my heart ache.  

Are we doomed as part of the human condition to be lonely?  I mean wouldn’t many who subscribe to an existential view of the world argue this to be true: we come into this world alone, traverse through it trying to find our way oftentimes alone without a partner, and we ultimately die alone.  To sum it up, we: enter – alone, journey – alone, and die – alone.  So if this is in fact our “destiny”, why do we keep on searching for connections to others to escape what will eventually become our inescapable reality?

I do not have a definitive answer to this paradox; I only pose the question as I myself try to find my way along this bliss seeking journey.  But I can say with a reasonable degree of certainty, I do it for love – I search for that connection because I understand the transformative power of love and want to feel it again.  Quite honestly, there is nothing in the world quite like it.  For me being in that blissful state makes me a better person.  I’m calmer, more focused, more forgiving, more compassionate, and it forces me outside of myself to consider the needs of my significant other when making life’s important decisions and choices.  In short, I am no longer just an I (single); I am a we (couple), a part of something bigger.  I would hope that I bring something to the table for my partner too.  I would hope that I enrich his life and bring out his better qualities and make him a better version of himself.

Now think about that – being in love forces us outside of ourselves.  In our union with our partner we escape the solitary and enjoin with another who is part of the universe, so we essentially do exist then in the “other” state and are no longer confined to the destiny of our aloneness.  So can love trump and debunk the most basic existentialist precepts?     

While I won’t offer a Pollyannaish response saying that love conquers all (which it may), I will stand firm behind this – it does make our journey so much more bearable.  It breaks up the periods of aloneness we must endure into interludes peppered with communal bliss and contentment.

Now I suppose the real challenge will be finding that “other” who spurns the desire within you to be your best self and graciously and completely accept the needs, wants, and aspirations of your new we (couple) status as primary over your I (single) needs, wants and aspirations.  Like I intimated before, no one said this journey was going to be easy.  The truth is few will probably ever realize the type of connection I speak of and will indeed be relegated to the loneliness that permeates the human condition.

I find that incredibly agonizing and not acceptable, at least not for me.  It is not a choice that I would willingly make and isn't that really the heart of the matter.  Can we choose to love?  Could it be that easy?  Psychologist Robert Sternberg in his “triangular theory of love” seems to think so.  Its three components intimacy, passion and commitment are all present in consummate love which he posits is the ideal relationship people strive for and is love in its most complete form. 

I can tender only these words: Never give up.