Stillness

As an introverted person by nature, often I purposely seek out stillness, solitude and quiet; it brings me peace, calms my spirit and allows me to recharge when the world seemingly takes so much from me and I feel like I am running on empty.  But in the wee hours this morning I neither welcomed nor embraced the stillness – in fact it was deafeningly loud, indifferent, impersonal, and left me feeling cold and alone.

At 3:30 in the morning it is incredibly quiet as the world slumbers; the noise of the previous day has passed and the dawning new day has yet to stir.  Even though you know in only a couple of hours the silence will pass, the overwhelming quiet can be a bit disconcerting.  It is then that you are reminded of your aloneness.  You are slapped in the face with the simple reality that there is no one is your bed – no one to bring you comfort, no one to hold you when you are feeling fragile and no one to keep you firmly entrenched in the present moment should you disappear too far into your protective yet isolating shell.  Sometimes that is what the stillness feels like; it feels like the world is collapsing in on itself and you are immobile, unable to get out of the way and soon you will be swallowed whole and simply vanish without a trace. 

To shield you from the impersonal and sometimes suffocating world words do not necessarily need to be spoken, nor does he even need to reach out and touch you to bring you comfort; in fact you only need reassurance that he is there and that can be found simply by listening to him breathe or gently touching his arm, shoulder or back as he slumbers away peacefully like the rest of the world.  Just knowing he is there brings you adequate enough comfort.    

That is probably the hardest part of dating, that in-between stage one finds oneself in – the one where you are between relationships or not in a committed relationship and you unfortunately do not have that one person you can reach out to when on that rare occasion you find yourself needing comfort and reassurance.  It isn’t often that you find yourself in such a place, but when you do, it is nice to know that someone else will be there for you should the need arise.   

As one who lives by myself I spend a considerable amount of my time alone and for the most part I cherish the quiet “me time” it allows; oftentimes I feel like it allows me to accomplish so much more than I could otherwise.  But every so often like this morning the need to connect to another human being is inescapable and the quiet eerie stillness magnifies that void.  Today time was my friend and the deafening stillness passed within a couple of hours and all was well, even though mercilessly quiet, in my world again.